The Night I Lost The Will To Fight
by WP
Summary: Faith and Willow on the drive back from L.A. Post Orpheus, Pre Dirty Girls


**The Night I Lost The Will To Fight**

One ex-rogue slayer and one ex-evil witch drove out of L.A on their way to Sunnydale and the hellmouth threatening to devour the entire population. So far very little had been said between the two. In fact nothing had been said.

Willow was the first to admit her dislike of the dark slayer. Ever since she'd turned up in Sunnydale 4 years before she'd known that Faith was no good for her friends. She'd try to kill them all; she'd slept with Xander. She'd made her friends lives harder and Willow would always hate her for that. But ever since she'd came out of her near death state caused by the Orpheus she took to save Angel she'd been very unlike the person Willow remembered.

Faith didn't have that evil, uncaring vibe coming off her anymore. Willow had seen her life sacrificing act to save Angel and she couldn't deny the bond those two shared. It wasn't love like Buffy and Angel just a deep friendship and understanding.

Willow decided to just ask the question she wanted to but wasn't sure Faith would acknowledge. "Are you ok?"

That phrase sounded so foreign to Faith and she panicked because she didn't know how to answer it. So she did the usual Faith thing.

"What Red, you suddenly care now that you need another slayer to help fight off the big bad apocalypse?"

Willow cringed at the resentment in Faith's voice. "You just seem distracted. And I know that the Orpheus should have killed you so if you feel crappy you should let me know."

"So you can make sure it really does kill me this time?" She retorted immediately. "I know how you feel, yo. You hate me and that's cool. So you don't have to talk to me. At all."

Willow pulled over on the dark road knowing it was too dangerous to drive while talking heatedly.

"Look, I did hate you and what you done to everyone. But you're good now and you've served your time, right?"

"I broke out a little early."

"Yeah, well, me too." Willow admitted.

"Red, you've never been to jail. You could never do anything that would land you in jail. Unless they caught you hacking into the city morgue files but that'd probably just get you some free therapy."

Willow felt sick as she realised she was going to have to tell Faith that they were a lot more alike than either ever thought possible.

"I killed two men, almost killed Giles. I hurt Dawnie, Xander and Buffy and I tried to destroy the world and came really close." She blurted out.

Faith just starred at the red head to shocked to speak, all she managed to get out was, "why?"

She sighed, "This guy called Warren killed Tara. He shot her and Buffy. I got kinda engulfed by some really heavy magicks and killed him and Rack, a magick dealer. I lost her, I gave up and let myself take revenge." Willow explained.

Faith took in what she'd just been told. Willow was with the blonde from the bronze during the body swap. She'd murdered men in revenge for her dead lover. Still made her better than Faith. But she'd never tried to end the world. Finally something better than Willow

"So, you killed people and your still part of the Scooby gang? Gee, red, you really know how to make a gal feel better about her extensive stay in jail." Faith said sarcastically.

Willow looked at Faith with annoyance, "Would you just cut the tough, I'm a slayer crap, I'm trying to tell you I get it."

Faith felt herself becoming angrier at every word Willow said. "You don't get it! That's the point, you, none of you ever took the time to get it. Angel was the only one who ever understood, who helped me. You, you cheered when I went to jail." Faith threw open the car door and quickly got out, slamming it shut hard enough to make Willow think it'd need repaired.

She watched the brunette slayer walk into the darkness of the night then climbed out of the car and ran to catch up with her.

"You can't walk all the way to Sunnydale." Willow said as Faith continued walking, not even turning around as she spoke.

"Just watch me, yo. Now, get back in your big car and drive home knowing that you can kill a coupla guys and they'll all still be home waiting for you. " She spat, her bitterness was obvious.

The red head grabbed Faith by the arm and turned her around to face her. This shocked them both but Willow was too enraged to let it stop her.

"You think I took two men's lives and it meant nothing? You think everyone went 'la de da, all just another Tuesday in wacky Sunnydale?' I lost myself! I made with the flaying and the scary veins. Then I got sent to England for 3 months to be rehabilitated by a coven of Witches who knew so much, who were so powerful but even they were scared of me, of my power. I had to rebuild my life, relationships with them all and Tara... She's still gone. Don't dare say what I did meant shit."

Faith found herself without some kind of resentful comeback.

They both stood in a silent face off until Willow turned and walked back towards the car. Faith could only follow.

Once they were both back in the car Faith broke the awkward silence.

"I'm sorry. About your girlfriend."

Willow nodded a thank you. Before Faith so eloquently added, "Never thought you'd be able to loosen up enough to get with a girl."

Willow tried to take a calming breath while counting to 10. It wasn't helping.

"Look, this is just awkward and we've got an end of the world to get to. You're still not as bad as me in everyone else's eyes, including your own. Now that's been talked over you can drive." Faith said. She then looked up at Willow to tell her to drive again but she was too thrown by the sympathy on Willow's face. She never expected that from the witch.

"Why do you think what I did is so unlike what you did?" Willow asked with genuine curiosity.

"Can't you just let it go!" Faith said exasperated by the questions and emotions.

"No." Willow answered simply.

"You killed some guys cause they killed your girl, right?" She didn't wait for an answer. "I didn't. I killed because I could. Cause I'm a Slayer."

"But you still had a reason? Not a jump of the deep end straight away reason like me but it was there, right?"

Faith just silently sat in the passenger seat looking at her hands.

Willow felt the urge to comfort Faith somehow. The girl, for the first time ever, looked younger, looked scared.

"Faith?" She asked softly. "I know you had a lot happen before Sunnydale and I know that I never took the time to care or to ask but I'm asking now."

"I'm not gonna sit here and give you the life story of Faith."

"How about the abridged version?" Willow asked.

Faith wasn't the talking/sharing type. Not through choice just through habit. Trusting people wasn't something she had ever done. She felt nervous, embarrassed, all of that but she forced the words out cause she had no other choice.

"I never had anyone, Mom was a useless alcoholic. My watcher turned up a little before I was called. She looked after me. She cared about me. I..." Faith cut herself off; she was getting into detail, getting into memories she wasn't sure she could deal with. "Kakistos killed her when she tried to protect me. She always told me about Sunnydale so when I ran, I ran there to find B."

"You were all so close. I could never be part of that. Then Finch. I never meant it you know. I thought he was a vamp then... it feels different to stake a human. I freaked. Then I went to the Mayor and he loved me. He gave me an apartment so I wouldn't be in that infested motel, he bought me things and not in that creepy sugar daddy way. In return I killed for him. Demons mostly but not the demon fighting a slayer should do."

Faith looked up at Willow who was silently listening. "I knew what I was doing was wrong but it was the only thing that I could offer the Mayor. Then I wake up like a year later in the hospital to find out he's dead. That Buffy blew him up and I lost it, more than ever before. Guess you know all that."

"I don't know about L.A."

"I went, I tortured... I tortured Wesley. I know that he was never given the chance to be my watcher but in prison I used to think about what'd be like if I'd let him. We so could have been better than Buffy and Giles." She said as she smiled to herself. "Then Angel came along. I thought if I wailed on him he'd have to kill me. I just wanted it to end. I didn't want to hurt people anymore I was just so confused when I woke up. He wouldn't do it. I begged him but..." Faith cut herself off again as her voice began to waver.

Willow wanted so much to offer some comfort but all she could do was sit there. Faith was actually telling her about how she felt.

"Buffy came, she would have killed me especially with my new found pacifism. Angel stepped in. He stopped her, told her to leave. That's why Angel's friendship means so much. He stood up for me even with B, so I knew he cared and he really understood. I turned myself in. It was what I had to do to gain redemption. And then today, he taught me I'd never gain redemption. That I can't ever give up even if I'm dying."

It was obvious to Willow that Faith was fighting back her tears. She also knew she wouldn't let them fall. Still, it pained her to see someone so upset. She finally forced herself to take a step as she reached out and put her hand on Faith's shoulder.

Faith jumped out of the touch like she had been hit with a cattle prod. Willow was pretty sure the car door was really damaged now.

The brunette looked accusingly at Willow. "What the hell do you think your doing!?"

Willow stuttered, "I... It was... I..."

Faith's usual scowl settled in and her angry tone was back, "You think we're friends now? That you get Faith to talk so now your best friends?"

Willow could see right through Faith's defence mechanism. After hearing what Faith had told her, she was beginning to understand her a little better. All Faith really wanted was a family, people to love her. Instead the only people who ever cared about her died or let her down. She just didn't want that again. Willow couldn't blame her; she'd experienced the same with Kennedy.

"Maybe if you go back to Sunnydale without the fear of them all letting you down, it'll go better than last time."

Faith wanted to be angry, she wanted to tell Willow to just shut the hell up but instead she was embarrassed.

"I think the not trying to kill you all with make it go better." She said it quietly.

Willow laughed. "Well yeah, that too." There was another sombre moment as they both sat in silence.

Faith eventually put her seatbelt on. "We should start driving again. There's an end of the world party going on without us."

"Well, yeah but-"

Faith interrupted. "I know, Red. You get it." Faith offered her a small smile.

Willow nodded, not quite sure she could believe Faith had accepted her. She started the car and continued on to Sunnydale.

"You know, you're getting a hug when we get out this car." Willow told the slayer.

"Sorry to disappoint but I've had enough girl on girl the past couple of years, yo. But when I miss the big joint I know who to call." She winked.

Willow laughed mainly cause she had no idea whether or not Faith was serious, "Oh, I'm honoured!"

"Hell yeah."

Faith was content to joke around with the witch. She had a feeling that she could make things better in Sunnydale this time. Willow was the one person who hated her deeply and they'd managed to fix that, so maybe there was hope.

I might have to ask you to kill me though if I get a new hair color."

Faith frowned, "You wanna run that one by me again, Red?"

"When I'm evil, I kinda get black hair, black eyes and some weird vein things." Willow explained.

"And what, you get like this randomly?"

"No. I get like that when I do magicks... or when I do heavy magicks. I can get back from the small stuff but... I've lost it a little since I've been back from England. The First used it against me a while back. It got inside me. If anything like that was to happen again and I came close to hurting anyone, I'd appreciate if you stopped me."

When Faith was just sitting starring at her she continued. "Known of the other could do it. Most of the SIT's couldn't if they tried. You're the only one I could trust."

"You realise you just asked the recovering murderer to possibly go back to that?"

"No, I asked the force of good to keep doing good by stopping an ultimate evil, if she may reappear." She shrugged.

"That made no sense." Faith informed.


End file.
